Insanity

Why is it so easy? So easy to care so little for me. It doesn’t matter how much work has been done, or how far I’ve come, it takes next to no time to fall into bad habits. It’s so much easier to take on harmful patterns than to do what I know is best for me. I fall off track like it’s my job. At the slightest inconvenience, I decide to self-destruct.

When will I learn that all I’m doing is hindering myself and causing myself more pain? I tell myself I want better and then I do the opposite. Do I hate myself? Am I scared? It’s as if I don’t actually think I deserve better.

I’m tired. Tired of doing the bare minimum. Tired of eating like shit and thinking of working out but skipping the actual workout when I know I need it. Tired of avoiding the basic things I could do to advance my career and put myself in a happier position.

Maybe my therapist is right. Maybe I do hate myself. What happened in my life that made me decide to treat myself so badly? Who made me think I deserve less than happiness? Anytime I get closer to satisfaction, I put myself down a peg.

It’s like I’m living on Groundhog’s Day. I wake up and do the same things over and over again. It’s like the saying, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” And I do it to myself. I wake up every day knowing what I need to do, and then I do the opposite. I’ve wasted so much time holding myself back from success.

I’m meant to do more than what I am. I see everyone around me with so much potential, and they are putting in the work to succeed and live these dream lives. What makes me think that I’m incapable of that?

The hardest part of staying in this constant cycle of mediocrity is knowing that I’m the only one that can change it.