Work To Be Done

It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. 

The love and gratitude is so energizing. It brings me to a space similar to euphoria. I am unstoppable and powerful. I can practically feel the love radiating from my soul and all I want during these times is to make others feel as alive as I do. Everyone deserves to feel that ecstatic joy that comes from such a pure place.

But when I’m down, I’m really down. Many that know me wouldn’t recognize me. All I do is sleep. I avoid any and all human interaction. I lock myself in my room for days on end. As ugly as it is, I stop showering. But that’s what debilitating depression will do. Life feels to be too much and far too difficult to deal with. It’s as if a reel of all my worst moments begins to play on repeat and there is no pressing pause.

Times like this make me wish I could stop feeling and minimize it all. The emotions and guilt become overwhelming.

I wonder how it must feel to not experience every emotion at an extreme. What’s it like to NOT have sensory overload in every new environment you encounter. 

There must be people that don’t cry uncontrollably at three in the morning because the love they feel is so staggering that it hurts the soul. 

I would imagine that it is nice not to avoid loved ones until you can’t anymore.

But in all honesty I wouldn’t be me, I wouldn’t be the same person.

My emotions feel erratic and uncontrollable at times but at least I’m not numb to my surroundings. You have to accept the bad to be able to appreciate how good the good truly is.

There is work to be done. There is always work to be done. I am just thankful to receive and understand that this is the message my body and brain are sending me.