A Change Of Roles

Growing up is shitty. I have been moping a lot lately, so I am writing this entry in hopes that it will expel the last of my sad little attitude from my system and I will get over it. I am in no way a fully formed person. In fact, in my mind I still see myself as a 15 year old girl with a lot to learn. Well lately I’ve been learning a lot. For instance, family is permanent. You can kick and scream and whine, but at the end of the day you are still stuck with them and they are still stuck with you. Growing up all I saw when I looked at my parents was just that, my parents. When you’re little you don’t realize that there is far more to them than raising you. They have pasts and experiences you don’t know about, they say things you won’t ever hear, and they are real life people. One day, this perception of them will be shattered, and that is how you know you are growing up. If you haven’t reached this point in your relationship use the remaining time to brace yourself. Within the last year I have been dealing with a parent that has really been acting out. I don’t know what the hell happened, but suddenly she is under the impression that she is in her freshman year of college and can do as she pleases; she is wrong. All growing up I saw this parent as an extremely selfless and responsible person, so when she flipped the script on us all without any warning, it’s safe to say I was confused. Suddenly I am the parent and she is the problem child. Lately I’ve been very conflicted: is it better to ignore my feelings of anger and pretend nothing is wrong in order to keep some sort of relationship, or is it understandable if I cut off communication with her for a while? She acts as if her decisions don’t affect anyone else and she doesn’t have a family that hears the word around town. Instead of seeing her as my parent, I now see this woman as a little sister that I constantly have to worry about. I’m more stressed than I have ever been, my family is constantly in the midst of some new throw-down, and every day I find my relationship with her diminishing more and more. So as opposed to pretending I have all the answers, or ending this piece with a quote that would tie this all together, I am just going to end this post with the truth. I have no clue what the fuck is going on. I’m not sure if how I’m handling this change in family roles is right. I could be completely ruining the remainders of this relationship. But I am too tired to care. This is the end of my week of moping, and this is the end of my worrying about people that I have no control over. If anyone has any comments or advice, I would be more than happy to hear from you.